Archive for May, 2010

Forgive and plan instead

May 27, 2010

I’ve heard about this forgive and forget idea.  I don’t think it’s possible.  I can forgive, in that I choose not to let myself continue to hold ill will in my heart.  But to forget, how can one do that?  I think this maybe a Christian concept that may not always be wise.  When you feel used and abused do you wish to let go of your anger so well that you allow it to happen over?  Is that what happens to abused wives?  They forgive in the Biblical fashion 77 times and end up dead!

I’m all about forgiveness, I’m all about letting go, I’m all about sitting in the moment and letting the past drift away, but I think I must be misunderstanding “forget”.  I can’t believe that the Bible is telling us to put ourselves back in a position of hurt again and again and again.  It just doesn’t add up.  Any Biblical scholars out there that can tell me what part of this is a mistranslation.

I think I prefer that Arabian/Islamic concept of “Trust in God, but teather your camel.”  This speaks to me more.   If we don’t do what we can do to protect, and better ourselves, what right have we to ask of God anything?   Don’t you have to do your part?   I guess that’s where UUs and other liberals depart from those who believe in predetermination.  We think you have to work for your enlightenment.

The good news about all my late trauma is that I am really able to stay in the moment.  When I really feel bummed I remember that I am not living under the stars, that I have people who love me and are fairly safe to be with, and the sky is the limit on finding more folks like that.

I don’t know about forgetting on purpose either.  I don’t think I can do it.  I can let stuff go,  I can lay baggage down, I can choose to put a positive spin on something, but how does one forget when trust is broken.  I can forget something that happens that is trivial, but if forgiveness is required, true forgiveness, then how is it possible to forget.

I read that they found a drug that had the side effect of wiping out huge chunks of memory.  They would never use it, but they’d written up an article about it and scores of folks wanted to sign up to forget.  They were willing to give up all their happy memories too in order to eradicate their unhappy traumatic ones.  It’s a heck of a trade.  Apparently forgetting is not so possible.

I saw an article the other day about minimizing feelings and I wonder if we aren’t making a mistake to wallow in our hurts from the past, they were ready to get angry about people advising them to let it go and to move on… I think that sitting in negativity with a righteous indignation that will not let you move on and live your life in joy is stupid.  I probably should say ill advised or something gentler but I think living in pain without possibility of parole is pointless and a waste of our precious time here in life!

I think living through this economy and this odd lifestyle (place to place) has made me suspicious of recovery movements that do not place the emphasis on the now.  Now is all there ever was after all, everything else is just a story you tell yourself, about stuff that no longer exists.  Now is where joy is.  Who the heck would want to be any place else.  Now is a place where you can be wary and forgiveness even doesn’t matter, because the story of what you are forgiving does not add anything to the now that we are in, unless the problem is persisting.

It seems to me that forgiving and creating a strategy to move on is wiser than forgiving and forgetting.  Plan out how to handle the situation in the future and then let that live on as a story of a plan you have and get back to the now where the joy is.


You can never tell…

May 17, 2010

By laws changes passed uncorrected and mostly unchallenged.  It appears that the congregation read them or talked to someone who did.  I was worried and tried to do deep breathing during the process.  In the end it was the election not the by-laws that was the nail biter.  We had 2 suggestions immediately about how we can change them again.  It will be a while before anyone is brave enough to take them up again. The suggestion has been to rework our vision and mission and create equitable by-laws from that.  In other words to throw out the whole thing and start over.  I think it’s a good suggestion.  I don’t know if I have staying power to get through all of that.  Someone saw me at the meeting actively biting my nails.  (bad habit, must stop) Asked me why… I was incredulous.  Why would I be stressed when we are voting on 2 years of work of mine. Gee Whiz!

The best part of this vote is my new stick (or the new Stewardship Chairs stick) we voted to require that an annual pledge card be required for continuing voting rights.  This should assist the Stewardship Campaign.  The unwillingness to give  a number, any number has been a thorn in the sides of Stewardship / Canvass Chairpeople since I have been a member.  I remember being unwilling to fill out a pledge form myself.  I have learned to do it, on the first day, arriving at Stewardship Sunday with a number in mind.  I think if people can learn to read and evaluate by-law changes before the meeting on said changes, that they can learn to turn in that pledge card too.  In the past if no card was submitted and a contribution made, then you were still a voting member.  Now they have to show up (or mail in) a pledge and they will be on the books.

I know it’s a risk, that we might lose hangers on.  But I don’t think so.  I think we’ll all step up and the new members will come in with the knowledge that this is how it is.  Nice.

By laws vote on Sunday

May 13, 2010

I’ve heard from a couple of people who’ve taken the time to read the By-laws change document.  They like the changes and they hate by-laws.  In my opinion, their best action would be to pass these and let me think about other things for the coming year. I’d like to focus on other things. I could work on the database, and getting more volunteers and growing our congregation from the inside.  That would be a worthy use of my time, I think.  I have hope.  I haven’t heard snark one, since the Pre-meeting.  Perhaps, they will pass them and “Make It So”.  Maybe I should practice my victory dance.

I want to work on other things.  I want to wrap stuff up and work on other things.   It’s not too much to ask is it?  I know that Patience is on my plate.  I keep getting the lesson and I know the lesson will be repeated until it is learned.  We have a distinguished pillar of the church who is quite enamoured with defining his terms.  What does faith mean?  He asks over and over because he is uncomfortable with his own definition.  Well I thought no problem, can’t agree with everyone.  Then I noticed that one of my close friends (with whom I would like to be even closer) also likes defining his terms.  Dagnab it.  Apparently the lesson will be repeated until it is learned.

When I was young I spent time with folks who were pretty semantically correct.  It’s not a problem, it’s an opportunity.  While I get the concept of how problems help you grow, changing the name of something, without changing the thinking, does little and you end up with phrases like “We have an opportunity with crabgrass”  Oy!  So I have word correctness police baggage due to people like that.  And wouldn’t you know, my good friend is showing signs of being an over definer.  So our pillar, on the one hand wants to know how YOU define a given word, since his definition is obviously not relevant,  my dear friend on the other hand, has his definitions and thinks that they are the correct ones.  Oh my. So I will be learning patience and perhaps guidance and I think our pillar might be in a position to teach me how best to deal with my dear friend.   I have to reach out to make that possible.

I’ve been reading more on Women, Food and God, and I notice that it knocks me out (by this I mean it causes frequent naps).  That makes me assume that it’s a sensitive topic for me.  I knew that.  But I would like to get through, first reading, so I get all the points.  I like her idea that restriction makes obsession.  I believe that about a lot of things.  I’m having trouble with the the then what part. I just keep dropping off.  Maybe I am sleep deprived.  But what else I am is determined.  I will not let this book beat me!   Back to reading.  And napping, until it’s all done.


Time for Study

May 10, 2010

I am reading again.  I think I needed some alone time and I am getting it.  My housing sponsor is away and I think I am going to get some books read and over.  I am working on God Women and Food.  I see the spirit in it.  She suggests, implies that if we were really in touch with our bodies there would be no need to over eat (or starve depending on which poison you normally choose) I haven’t got the God part yet, but I think it’s implied.  I am not however finished reading.

Today I am moving from my little upstairs apartment down to the big house.  It’s quite a lot of little things to bring down stairs.  So I guess it’s about time to get started.  Tonight there is a board meeting and I have to meet my own duty by reading the preliminary information before the meeting starts.  I want to be as ready as I’d like other’s to be on a regular basis.  I have to be a model when I can.

I think even moving downstairs is a study too, in it’s own way.  I will be living large for the next two weeks and then right back to living small.  It’s a very confusing time, but I will make the most of the time that I have for reading and catching up.