What if it’s never?

I feel as if life is on hold.  I am waiting for my house.  I am waiting for the day when I live by myself in my house and take care of my own stuff and keep my things in some order somewhere.   I dream of being able to reach up on to the bookcase and pull out one of my books and read it and put it back so I can find it later.  I imagine that most of my readers have this experience a lot.

I wonder what if I never have a home of my own again?  What if I am a vagabond forever.  What if I can’t have my own place again.  Can I live with this worst case scenario?  What if it is my life’s purpose, in lieu of a parish ministry, to share my wisdom by living here and there and enlightening people in some way.  By loving their dogs and them.  By watering their plants by driving them around, by helping them to focus on their clutter, by loving them one way and another.  By perching precariously in their houses to help them practice generosity..

Right now my stuff lives in a couple of places.  Mostly in a 5 X 12 warehouse and a red panel van.  It is all righteously inconvenient.  I cannot retrieve a book if I wanted to.  It is just plain impossible.  Can I live with that reality?  What if this IS my life’s work, to live simply (with a PC of course) and help others to do the same.

For the next 2 months I am working as a computer programmer making “programmer money” for 2 months and then we will see what is next.. I am thinking about upgrading my storage unit large enough to arrange my stuff around the room so it is reachable as needed when I perch here and there.  I need to think about the cost benefit.  Maybe I could arrange things.  Maybe I could index my boxes one at a time and label them.  That way I could know where my books are.  Maybe I should get rid of tons and tons of stuff so it’s easier to afford a posh space with air and room to move around in.

I have my desk chair in storage I imagine that I could sit in the center of my stuff and bask in the glow.  I am way too attached to stuff.  Way way too attached.  I am working on it everyday.



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